PHILADELPHIA– Describing a grim existence for all humans of the past, a report released Monday by the National Society of Historians confirmed the long-held theory that people living in the past were probably really stinky. “I know it’s hard to imagine since all we know is the present, but after combing through thousands of historical documents and artifacts, our team can confidently say that previous civilizations were certifiably stanky,” said University of Pennsylvania Historian Gerald Whetten, pinching his nose and muttering “pee-yew” at the thought of the smelly past.
“I first felt the need to further research this topic after watching an episode of Outlander and seeing how sweaty everyone was after passionate love-making without air conditioning. The most surprising finding in our study is that Old Spice didn’t even exist until 1937. People must’ve been walking around with big stench marks rising from their putrid, historical bodies.” The report goes on to speculate possible ways people were able to make themselves smell clean before the invention of Axe Body Spray in 1983.
Whetten added that he’s hopeful future generations will find ways to completely eradicate our sense of smell.