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Baby Really Hates How Condescending You’re Being

Photo by verdes cosmin on Unsplash

PHILADELPHIA – On a recent playdate at the park, Hailey Gorman caught up with The Satirer to express her growing frustration with not being taken seriously like the 10-month-old she is. “It’s always goo-goo-gaga this and coochy-coo that,” she explained, “as if they’re talking to someone who didn’t just master their ABCs.” Distracted by a chess match going on just behind her mother, Gorman unenthusiastically responded to a game of peek-a-boo, admitting she only plays along because her parents seem to enjoy it so much.  Other adults surrounding the child’s bassinet fawned over her ability to sit up on her own but failed to notice her ability to roll her eyes. “I swear, every adult that interacts with me insists on using nonsense words and truthfully I find it incredibly condescending.  If I didn’t pity them all so much I’d tell them to keep quiet so I could do my Sudoku in peace.” When asked if they were aware that their child was a baby genius, Gorman’s parents spit up on themselves and started sucking on their thumbs.