PHILADELPHIA— We recently received a pamphlet in our P.O. Box that detailed the side effects of repeatedly watching the erotic thriller Gremlins 2: The New Batch on Valentine’s Day. We wanted to publish the list of side effects which are all erotic dreams, to keep the citizens of Philadelphia safe and informed during these troubling times.
Dream 1: There’s a spider gremlin in Gremlins 2. For some reason you are also a spider gremlin, you can tell this by how eagerly the other spider gremlins high-five you when you pass their desks at work. You meet a larger, more beautiful female spider gremlin on her web for drinks and pleasant conversation, suddenly you meld together for passionate matings. The spider sex orgasm isn’t the best ever but feels pretty good. After it ends you realize she is about to eat you because she is putting on a bib with your picture on it. She says, “If you kill Gizmo who is coming to betray me, I will let you live and eat him instead.” When you think about how much work it would be to raise the thousands of baby spider gremlins you just made with her, you scream, “Bon Appetit!” The orgasm from your spider death is so amazing that you call your parents immediately after waking up to tell them about it.
Dream 2: While laying on a pink fluffy bed you start playing with Gizmo, it occurs to you that Howie Mandel is the voice of Gizmo. Immediately after this gross realization, Gizmo starts morphing into present-day Howie Mandel. Howie starts passionately kissing your neck while doing the Gizmo voice. You feel sick from this and vomit off the side of the bed into the ocean that surrounds it. You wish that it was the green-haired gremlin bride kissing you or even the brainiac gremlin instead of Howie Mandel. In the dream, you realize that it’s Valentine’s Day and that any love is good love. You wipe the puke from your mouth and return Howie’s affections. The two of you become one, an orgasm kind of happens. You never want to have this dream again but will chance it if watching Gremlins 2 repeatedly means the possibility of having the other two dreams.
Dream 3: Gremlins 2 prominently featured a cooking show called Microwave with Marge. You find yourself on the set of the show after hours, drinking cooking sherry, and having a great time with Marge. Suddenly she starts talking about how gremlins are fertilized by water. She wants to test you to see if babies pop off your back when you are fertilized by water. You astrally project or some shit because you are now watching from a distance as Marge urinates on your back while you lie on the floor. She screams, “I’ve never seen anything like it!” The dream camera pans to your back where tear and share biscuits have started growing instead of baby gremlins. Paul Hollywood shows up, tears a biscuit from your back, and eats it. Paul says, “Now that’s a proper bake, well-done mate!” and he shakes your hand. The orgasm experienced from satisfying Paul Hollywood is amazing and you never want it to stop.
The Satirer encourages all Philadelphia residents to view Gremlins 2 responsibly to keep their erotic dreamscapes gremlins-free this Valentine’s Day. Maybe watch Hitch instead.