ATLANTA, GA– No need to buy more than one can of cranberry sauce this holiday season. The popular home remedy of “Rubbing Cranberry Sauce All Over Your Nipples” for COVID-19 prevention, popularized by the cranberry conspiracy group CranAnon, has been disproven by the CDC this week. In a press statement the CDC said, “There is no reason anyone, under any circumstance, should rub canned cranberry sauce over their raw nipples to prevent COVID-19. The virus is an airborne disease, and therefore cannot penetrate through the nipples. Nor will cranberry sauce, even with its viscous consistency, slow down the virus. Instead, we recommend you wear a mask in public and social distance.” This comes after many Americans have been seen shopping and dining without their shirts on, nipples completely covered in canned cranberry sauce. It is likely with this statement from the CDC that the general public will stop this practice.
This is a tough blow to the canned cranberry industry. An Ocean Spray executive told the Philadelphia Satirer, “In an effort to pivot out of the nipple business, we have decided to develop our very own all-cranberry COVID-19 vaccine and believe we will have the science to back it up.”