PHILADELPHIA – A member of the Satirer staff, who has been conducting independent pigeon fecal research, witnessed a pigeon get scared shitless by a large plastic owl earlier this week. The pigeon, named Wallace, visits City Hall Plaza regularly for take-out and told the Satirer staffer, who asked to remain anonymous, what happened.
“I hit up City Hall Plaza every day for lunch because even with the pandemic going you still get some of the best sandwich crumbs in the city down there,” Wallace shared. “Then, man, that owl just got me when you saw me shit that load.”
Our staffer’s independent research found that pigeons go to the bathroom around five times an hour. On the day in question, the Satirer staffer was conducting field research and was lucky enough to observe Wallace expel excrement in the largest amount ever recorded while staring transfixed in a state of terror at the plastic owl who is nestled upon the upper levels of City Hall. It was believed that Wallace totally emptied his bowels because he did not go to the bathroom for several hours after the owl scare incident.
It is unclear whether Wallace knows that the plastic owl isn’t alive. “He’s gotten me good so many times, he’s always roosted up in the same spot every day,” commented an exasperated Wallace. “He’s stone-cold, he doesn’t move! He’s like a statue! Or a psycho! What kind of guy never moves?” Wallace isn’t sure why he is afraid of owls since the one at City Hall is the only one he’s ever seen. When we tried to interview the fake plastic owl, it had no comment about its exemplary job performance as a scarecrow for pigeons.
At press time, Wallace was considering attending an online IBS support group meeting.