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Child Sommelier Suggests Pairing Strawberry-Kiwi Juice Box With Corn Dog

Photoshop by Mike Paulshock

LAGUNA BEACH, CA – Recently certified child sommelier Nathan Roberts debuted at Oceanside Elementary earlier this week as part of the school district’s plan to enhance school lunches. “Now your palette leans chocolate-y, yes? So I’m going to go bold and recommend the tacos paired with Country Time Lemonade. Our ground beef is locally sourced and this order has more of a malty palate than usual. We also have home brewed sparkling lemonade if powder-sourced beverages aren’t suitable,” Roberts advised Helena Prughe. 

As the first-grade lunch rush wound down, Roberts explained that school roles like line leader or safety patrol never suited his passions. “Thankfully my family vacations on the south of France, so I picked up the certificate this past July.” He leaned in and whispered, “You didn’t hear it from me, but they can’t make a good grape juice to save their life over there.” As the second graders filed in, Roberts approached Ms. Nguyen’s class table. “Now, Elizabeth, I know the metallic aftertaste of the Capri Suns bothers you, so our head chef concocted a house blend with notes of strawberry and kiwi that pair best with our 100% Kosher boutique corn dogs. The kindergarteners all left with rave reviews on their bright red lips.”

Returning to class to avoid the rowdy fifth graders, Roberts sidestepped over Prughe’s lemonade-scented vomit while muttering, “reminds me of France.”

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