ATLANTA – The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) forecasts that cases of home haircuts are expected to peak on April 25th. The CDC cites multiple reasons for this spike in-home haircuts including: “the celebration of the cannabis holiday 4/20 on April 20th.” CDC Spokesperson Mary Williams raises alarms that “the 4/20 holiday will lead to an outbreak in experimentation with new looks such as bangs. Our top researchers have found many stoned 4/20 revelers will experiment with cutting their own hair many for the first time since they were children. In the days following 4/20, they will share their haircuts via social media and infect others with the thought that a home haircut is a good idea.”
After hearing this horrifying prediction we sought the opinion of a haircare professional on the front lines of the outbreak. “The combination of people being stranded at home bored, edibles, and people getting tired of looking at their shaggy-ass overgrown head will lead to this worst-case scenario exploding like wildfire,” said Jeff Higgins, a barber from Houston. Higgins also noted that barbers and hairstylists are bracing for a crush of people looking to get their “jacked-up haircuts” fixed once the Coronavirus social distancing regulations end. The CDC has issued a list of directives for those considering a home haircut. These directives include watching no less than three youtube hair cut tutorials, using sharp scissors, and practicing hair cuts on your kids or pets before attempting your own haircut. The CDC has also set up a helpline for haircut assistance at 1-555-BAD-HAIR.